[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.