Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

so i’m at the stock market right

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?