Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂