SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I’m calling the cops.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
what’s in a name?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me