SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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Sell your car
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
How to draw a duck
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
what’s more important?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%