Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Loudest noises in the world:
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs