SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.