SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.


11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything


I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.


In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.


*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.


[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.


I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.


date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea


Loudest noises in the world:

5. Fireworks
4. Motorcycles
3. Gunfire
2. Rockets
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower


Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs