@InternetHippo

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

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@OutOfLeftField_

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

@behindyourback

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

@jferg1616

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

@thejamietighe

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

@ibid78

*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.

@Sassafrantz

[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

@ConanOBrien

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

@kieransofar

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

@Home_Halfway

Loudest noises in the world:

5. Fireworks
4. Motorcycles
3. Gunfire
2. Rockets
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower

@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs