SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan