Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

excuse me

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

January 1st: anything is possible

January 2nd: but not today

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

🙅🏻