Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem