[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”