Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years