Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Safety first

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future