Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me if I was a dog

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

me after eating Cheetos

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers