superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
(Electricians.)
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine