Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*