Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.