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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
the simulation is moving too fast
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!