Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!