Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

got so much cardio in today

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.