superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
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Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Icarus loved hot wings.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
That’s no pocket rocket.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
TRAIN’S HERE
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.