Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

haha same

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us