Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
When I snag the last meatball.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.