Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really