Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong