Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

everyone’s a critic

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Schrödinger’s cookie

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work