superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!