Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Day 2 of my diet

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

You can’t outrun your problems…

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*