Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pass gas, not judgment.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy