Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.