Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
concern
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?