Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
best review i’ve ever seen
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.