Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher