Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Bruh PLEASE

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.