Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Happens to everyone.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.