Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

For cardio I live beyond my means.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.