superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The only good comments section online is on recipes
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please