Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Barbie gone wild

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.