Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“HELP WITH CAT”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB