Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.