Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My fantasy football season is going great
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My blood type is b hungry.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God