Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
A leaf blower, but for people.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.