Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*