Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Grandpa

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying