Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.