Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!