Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest