Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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What the hell happened in there??
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?