“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
cop: got any drugs on you
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Things I’ve mastered:
1) Learning stuff the hard way.
3) Missing the point.
4) Not finishing anything.