Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A roof is a house hat.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past