Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Happy weekend !
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.