Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.