Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
And then there were 4
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it