Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.