Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

Happy Friday

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday