Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick