superman landing like a plane on his belly
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.