superman landing like a plane on his belly
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[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.