Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.