SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good