SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.