Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.