Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

🔥🔥

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating