Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one