Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified