Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here