Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me