Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Made something I’m not proud of

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.