Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.