Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears