Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
You Might Also Like
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I feel seen
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.