*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face