Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

incredible

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*